Disturbed and Disoriented

I haven't been able to post in a few days as I have been dealing with some traumatic events. I feel today that I may have been living my life in a little bubble, completely unaware of what was going on around me and ultimately to me. To explain this: My anniversary was last Monday, June 26th. We had been married for two yrs. and during the course of this marriage we encountered plenty of serious and possibly irreparable problems. We seperated twice during this time, once being while I was pregnant with our son. This last seperation, I really thought it was over but REALLY wanted to work things out as we had a baby on the way. I wanted to give him the chance to be with his father and give his father a chance to redeem himself and make some changes. I hoped that with this new baby positive changes would happen and he would decide to "grow up" and take responsibility for his family. We worked so hard at making this happen, making this marriage work. We compromised and spent hours daily talking about how we could do things differently with one another to make things flow more smoothly. How we could try harder, be more understanding of each other's faults and make a lifetime of this. Everything was beautiful for a while but just like always before, he slowly started slipping back into that old and familiar pattern. I guess some ruts are just too deep to stay out of for long. I recognized his behavior for what it was and immediately started working on things to make it more bearable. I became a person I didn't want to be. Apologizing for things that didn't matter just because I wanted to avoid argueing at all cost. I stopped expressing my opinion on things because he was always right and the fight wasn't worth it to me. I was willing to do whatever it took to give my babies a family with mommy and daddy both there. I lost myself in practicing this. I became insecure, a woman with slightly hunched shoulders and the inability to feel free. I have always been the emodiment of a free spirit. This wasn't me, yet I trudged along hoping beyond hope that things would change. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. We definitely had wonderful times and I know he loves me. I just think that he doesn't have the capacity to truly love and give to anyone. BUT I THOUGHT ALL WAS GOING OKAY until this past Thursday night. He came home from in a foul mood not really wanting to do much or say much. Fine, I could handle this. I took care of the baby, bathing him, feeding him and puttin him to bed. My husband didn't even want to hold him for me for five minuted while I tried to do other things. He just kept making snide remarks about there being no dinner on the table. "Well, I guess I'll just have to eat potato chips or something since you didn't cook." Yeah honey, FUCK YOU too. Anywho...I got the baby fed and down for the night, I thought he was asleep and went outside to talk to my father-in-law. I was out for maybe half an hour when my truck alarm started going off and I had to go in to get my key fob to turn it off. I asked my hubby if he had heard it and he informed me that he had turned it on and I needed to go take care of the f-in kid and make him be quiet. What????? There wa some dialogue about him also being his parent and he simply turned the tv louder to keep from hearing me. I, of course snatched the remote turned off the tube and tried to get him to talk to me. He started screaming obscenitied at me, telling me to get out of HIS house. Called me a worthless f-in c--- over and over again. I was here clueless as to what would incite this kind of reaction. He was acting like and certainly looked like a man over the edge of reason. I was scared shitless. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted me gone, that he was finished with me. That I was worth nothing more to him, he wants a divorce and Summer, hunker down for a nasty custody battle, I'm taking Jack away from you. Neddless to say, I was in shock. I really still am. I can't imagine what would make a person talk to someone he supposeedly loves like that. His dad heard the yelling (from him not me, I was calmly trying to get some info from him and diffuse the situation.) and came inside and Baye started attacking his OWN father! Screaming at him to get fuck out and fuck you, I hate you and etc. What bullshit, his poor dad and dammit....poor me. So I left. Packed some clothes for Jack and I and left.
I decided yesterday that Isimply can't do this anymore and I am filing for divorce this coming up week. Shitty shitty shitty but I should have seen this coming.
The bubble has popped.