The Tearing Begins

I have been hopelessly floundering about in indecision. This has been probably THE most difficult decision I've ever made. A relief and at the same time, a choice filled with many regrets and sad thoughts. When you stand at the alter before God, your family and your friends to say I do to forever, you actually do think it will last a lifetime. No matter what that lifetime may bring to you. I know I did. I looked at my soon to be husband and thought, this is the man I will wake up next to for the rest of my life. Was I naive? Blind? Confused? Or just in love with this man and hopelessly wanting to be with just him forever and thinking he wanted the same. What a shock to realize he loves me not at all the way I thought he did. Doesn't even respect me. A little. Since our seperation, due to him pitching a fit and throwing me out, he has proceeded to stack more and more blame on my shoulders. I'm not there for him and he feels let down, disappointed that I have chosen to stay away and not be there to support him in his "time of need". What? Even with this, and many other things I don't have the emotional strength to write about, I have been having some reservations about not going back. My children are the biggest cause of my concern and I want to do what's best for them. What is best for them? I think it's growing up in a household full of love and acceptance, not anger and frustration at the world and life in general. Especially not a household where they have to hear daddy call mommy a cunt or other such degrading and disrespectful names. I am none of these things. I am a strong woman with a backbone and a heart that only wants to love everyone around me. I'm a good mother, daughter, friend, and I thought up until last Thursday, a good wife. I guess I can't be everything.
I suppose I'm sad for the seperation of our lives. For knowing he will never hold me again. For realizing I will never look at him in the same way, the same light and that my love for him has been irreversibly changed. That my kids will be shipped off for Christmas and visitation to TWO seperate fathers. It was hard enough when it was just one. Now my baby has to go too. My heart weeps for this loss. A loss I know all too well they will also feel as they grow older. It's a sad day when love fails and hearts break. I will be whole again someday....just not today and maybe not for a long time. I just need to keep reminding myself that the day will come when this will be behind me and I can look forward to happiness and a clear day.
Too many messes are swept under rugs. We need to air out those dirty, dusty rooms and clean our lives of all of these messes. They will come back to haunt you at some point in your life when you least expect it.