No title to convey....

These days I seem to be dealing with some pretty heavy issues. Lots of things weighing on me, speaking to me. Screaming actually...This post is about single moms and how we arrive here. This is based only on my experiences and the shared experiences of women in my life.

For those that don't know, I'm a realtor and property manager for a Realty company. I manage about 40 properties around Jacksonville. All single family residential stuff. I deal with a lot of great people and also with plenty of people, that after conversations, I sit there saying what the fuck?!?! That really is neither here nor there...just some background info.

I have a tenant, a single mom, that works her ass off everyday to provide for her child. A wonderful, sweet and kind hearted women. She has not payed her rent this month and actually she didn't pay last month but we were holding a 2nd security deposit on her and I made a deal with her that she could use that for July's rent if she payed on time for 6 months straight. So now it's August 22nd and no rent. I called last week to find out what was going on and her baby's father has decided to discontinue child support. He has been paying steadily for 3 years so she never felt the need to have it court appointed. Not smart but I do understand her desire to not rock the boat if all is going well. I was in a similar situation with my daughter's father but decided rocking was better than getting stiffed...(again...wink wink). She can't afford it. So the owner has been blowing up my phone asking where their money is. I, being the rebel that I am, have been avoiding them trying to buy her some time. It has become unavoidable and today I had to take the dreaded call. They want me to evict her. OH. MY. GOD. This women and her 3 yr old daughter. I cried most of the day thinking about her situation. I can't do it. I can't be the force that puts the wheels of her eviction in motion. Granted, the first step is a 3 day notice. So she'll have Thurs., Fri., and until 5pm Mon to come up with whatever amount she is short. Still....this goes against my morals as a human being. I know it's my job and we all do things in our jobs that we don't like, but kick a poor women and her child out to the proverbial curb? Goes beyond pushing paper if you ask me.

So today I dealt and it brought about a lot of soulful thinking and righteous anger on my part. I want to kick this guy's ass. Shove my foot so far up it that he can taste yesterdays breakfast. Arg...I'm mad.

It brings me to this question. (I've actually asked myself this question often.)
How is it that fathers can just walk away? Shun all responsibilities, turn the corner, and be done. Just like that. I know. I know. Not all father's are like that but a surprising number of them are ( and some women but less heard of than in men). I think it would be a physical impossibility for me to abandon my children. It would be like tearing off an appendage only worse. Can you imagine ripping off an arm or leg? Gah..never. I can't imagine not seeing their faces. Smelling their sweet skin and holding them close. It starts this ache deep within me to even think about never seeing them again. But plenty of men just walk away.

Being a mother is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Holding my 2 babies in my arms completes me in a way I never thought possible. I have finally learned what love really is. These 2 little beings have changed my life, made me a better person. They have made me realize just what I'm made out of. What I, this one tiny person in the grand scheme of things, can do. It fascinates me.

This topic makes me so hot with anger, my blood coagulates.

(Staring at the blinking cursor wondering what to say next...could be here for hours.)

I have friends who planned their child only to have daddy do nothing when the babe arrived. Saying things like "I don't feel like holding the baby when I get home from work" or "I don't want to babysit." "Feeding the baby is your job, so is changing diapers and comforting the cries. I'm only here for playtime, that's my job." What??? What did you just say?

This is not and I repeat, not an attack on men. I know plenty of wonderful men and wonderful father's. Today just got me boiling. Well, today and the last few weeks with my soon to be ex husband and the last few years with my daughter's father.

No, I'm not bitter.

Fabulousity

I am currently working on a post, it is sitting in my drafts wiating for me to come back and add to it. I'm munching on what I what I really want to say...so it is forthcoming. Just taking a while.

In the meantime.....

I have been on the road to discovering that EVERYTHING I say will be replayed by my daughter out of context, with attitude and sounding not at all like how I say it. Right? I don't sound like that when I say those things...right? Wait. Maybe I do. Shit. I've got to think about what I say from now on. So I do and come up with new, less offensive (hopefully) sayings. At least I think so until she starts spouting these new things. I.E.

She pours lotion all over her head, face and my down comforter. I smelled her BEFORE I saw her. She comes around the corner with gobs of lotion on her face and streaming down her head.
Me: "Chloe, were you playing with the lotion?" (Nothing like asking the obvious.)
C: "No, I wasn't."
Me: "Oh I see. Then why do you have lotion all over you?"
C: "Ummm, I don't know."
Me: "Oh okay, let's go see."
I walk into her/my (We are currently sharing a room due to us living with my parents after the big split.) room and see MORE gobs of lotion all over the carpet. I sit on the bed to "talk" to her and plant my ass in a huge, pink, wet spot. Lotion. All. Over. My. Bed.
Me: "Chloe, if you weren't playing with the lotion, how is it then that there is lotion all over you and everything else?"
C: "Ummm...."
And my favorite line in times of extreme ire.
Me: "Chloe, I am very upset with you for this. We TALK about this all. of. the. time. NO. PLAYING. WITH. THE. LOTION. " And here it is folks...."Look at my face, Chloe. Look at my eyes. I am SERIOUS. I am UPSET. Do you see that mommy is serious about being mad? Look at my eyes."
C: "Ok mommy" and She's thinking, "yeah, whatever. Screw off."
So yesterday her popi pissed her off and she says "Popi, I am Very mad at you. Look at my eyes. Look at my face. I. AM. SERIOUS. "
This said with all the attitude an almost 3 yr old, 3 ft tall person can muster. Which I might add is ALOT!

Fabulousity people. Fabulousity.

In a 2 almost 3 yr old. Little Diva. Man I love her.

Not A Pretty Girl

What is Beauty?

Webster's Dictionary defines it as:
The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality.

The thesaurus says:
Definition: attractiveness
Synonyms: adorableness, allure, allurement, artistry, attraction, bloom, charm, class, comeliness, delicacy, elegance, exquisiteness, fairness, fascination, glamour, good looks, grace, handsomeness, loveliness, polish, pulchritude, refinement, shapeliness, style, symmetry, winsomeness

Ok....but what defines the things that give pleasure to the mind and senses? What is harmony of color? What makes an excellent artist? How do we measure what is beautiful and what isn't? Or for this post, who is beautiful and who isn't.

I could fall back on the old adage "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and while that is most certainly true, is it something that we as women live by when standing in front of the mirror, harshly criticizing out physical flaws? Moreover, why do we as women, knowing how harshly we judge ourselves, turn that judgement and criticism on other women?

I was brought to this topic by this post written by Her Bad Mother (I think I may have linked...fuckin hallelujah!). A great, if sticky, topic of discussion.

I will say some things here even at the risk of sounding hoity toity. Those that know me, know that I am not the kind of woman that plays off of looks nor do I think that I'm "all that" or whatever that means. I am a woman that looks for things in the depths of people. I like to think I look for beauty in all things, in all people regardless of physicality....

Now to truly start this post.

I have always been told how pretty I am. As a young girl and blossoming adolescent, I was told this so often and so much emphasis was put on being pretty. I never thought it and certainly never felt it. It's hard to put into words how I felt. I now realize that I was and am "pretty". Bleh...I spent much of my life void of female relationships and full of boys trying to get into my pants. I mean, come on, she's "hot" she must be a slut. I've been called a slut, whore, you name it, I've been called it. I've been accused of sleeping with boyfriends I've never even spoken to. Of sleeping with good friends just because I must be sleeping with them...I mean I do have a vagina! Why the hell wouldn't I be fucking everyone and everything that looks my way or vice versa?

I hear that being pretty or beautiful makes life easier. My question is, does it? Does it really? To qoute one of my favorite poets/musicians: Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. God help you if you were a phoenix and you dared to rise up from the edge. A thousand eyes would smoulder with jealousy, while you were just flying there - Ani Difranco
Very powerful. Is it easy to be hated for something you had no part in? Is it easy to be judged for just being? I am speaking only for myself in this. I know that a lot of beautiful women use it against other people and shame on them. Shame on them for thinking that genetics make you a better person than the next. Shame on them and fuck them.

Staring at my blinking cursor wondering where to go next.

My desire is that we as women and as human beings look at each other with x-ray glasses. Forget the outer shell. It means nothing in terms of what and who we are. That we stop judging each other based on bra sizes and nose sizes. That we start to think of others in a more spiritual (and I don't mean Godly) way. That we learn to connect through all of the minute bullshit that life has taught us to see. That we leave on our rose colored glasses and find beauty in all. That we learn to love because love feels good. Because every single person deserves to be loved. Because we are all beautiful no matter what we may appear to be on the outside.

I tell my daughter how smart she is. How strong she is. How special and wonderful and amazing she is. I turn harsh eyes on anyone that tells her she's pretty. She will grow with a sense of completeness I was never given the chance to have. This is one of my goals as a mother. She will grow up knowing that a pretty face will not get you far in life. It's what's behind it that matters. And it's what's in your heart.

Don't judge too harshly nor too quickly. You may be passing up someone extraodinary.

Jack's First Meme

Jack has been tagged by Becca (or Norm the Storm ) over at Smoochy4Life (If I knew how to link, I would put one here.) Hooray!!!!

3 Things that Scare Me
The dog barking
Being left alone (Does anyone love me?!?!)
The canopy on my carrier

3 People that Make Me Laugh
My mom (have you heard her silly songs?)
My sister
My Popi

3 Things I love
Being tossed in the air
Snuggles with mommy and sissy on the couch
Pooping

3 Things I Hate
Green beans
Not being held
Not being able to run after my sister (You should see the envy!)

3 Things I Don't Understand
How water comes out of the bath tub faucet...very intriguing
Why I have to take a nap
Why oh why can't I chase my sister!?

3 Things on My Playmat
Paci
Lion the Lovecat
My crinkly, honking book

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now
Trying to crawl
Drooling buckets and buckets
Laughing hysterically

3 Things I Want to do Before I Die
Tackle my sis
Eat real food
Figure out where my wanker is...hehe

3 Things I Can Do
Sit up on my own
Army crawl like a madman
Pull hair with amazing ferocity

3 Ways to Describe My Personality
Snuggleboogerbear
Grumpikins
Snotilicious

3 Things I Can't Do
Completely control my hands
Control my bladder (though mommy would love it if I could!)
Ever ever date....

3 Things I Like to Listen To
Music...anything really
Mommy singing silly songs
The vacuum

3 Things I Don't Like to Listen To
My sister crying
Static on the radio (cuts into my jams, man)
Goodnight

3 Absolute Favorite Foods
Bananas
Sweet Potatoes
Squash

3 Things I'd Like to Learn
How to walk
How to talk
Rubberlegging rollerskating!!!

3 Beverages I Drink Regularly
Only milk ladies!!!

3 Shows I Watch
The Wiggles
Sesame Street
Dora

3 Babies I Tag
Berlyn over at The Storys (once again if I could link...)

Thanks Becca!!!

Stop The Press!

Jack, aka The Boy that Perpetually Smells Like Vomit, is sitting up unaided!
He started this side-sitting thing last Monday and by Friday had it together. It's so freakin cute and I'll add some pictures to this post later. I am so excited to see him progressing and learning new things.....it's like a little light gets turned on and you can see the realization hit him. "I can do this!" It's very cool. He's been scooting around pretty well for a while, really trying to crawl, and man does he make headway. I found him in the kitchen the other day. No more leaving him alone! So, Monday I was sitting, just watching himscoot around and up on the hands and knees and wham....he was crawling! Just a few steps but wow, it hit me, he's growing up. Not going to be a baby too much longer. It's very bittersweet to see them growing.

On a new note. He has also been teething fiercely and chewing on anything and everything he can get his little hands on. So every couple of days I check his gums to see if we've made any progress and sadly not yet until......Wednesday night, he hardly slept and when he was asleep the poor lil guy kept crying out, sobbing and such. It was sad, I couldn't figure out what was bothering him so I gave him some Tylenol and that seemed to help. So last night my mom and I were talking about it and figured it was his teeth and since we hadn't checked in a few days he got a finger in the mouth and.......tada! A tooth! Yay for Vomit Boy! We are making progress....bittersweet life guys, bittersweet.

Thirdly. I originally had the "cold" that got everyone sick. Once the babes got it I couldn't really care for myself too well and my cold hung on for about 3 weeks. Shitty but that's what happens when you're a mommy. Everyone else comes first and you get the sickest and stay sick the longest. I woke up Monday morning and my chest was killing me. I've had two collapsed lungs in the past and this pain felt just like that so I got up, showered (because I knew if it was collapsed I would get a chest tube and no shower for me for a week) , woke up my sister to keep an eye on the babes (it was 3:30 A.M.) , and took off to the emergency room. They of course because of my history rushed me in and got my tests done immediately and thankfully no pnuemo-thorax just pnuemonia. The Dr said "I never thought telling someone they had pnuemonia would be a good thing." And it was. a. good. good. thing. Collapsed lungs are so very painful. Chest tubes are so very painful. The experience is awful and sadly I would rather have pnuemonia than an inch in diameter tube stuck between my ribs for a week. Thank you for small blessings.

I've had an eventful few weeks.

Oh The Sickness of it All

So, my baby boy is on the ass end of his ATROCIOUS cold. Thank God. It was awful watching cough his pitiful little ass off all day and night. My daughter had the cold before him, I had it before her and so on and on and on, you get the point. Now it seems my mom has brought a new and wondefully exciting cold into the picture and my princess is sick AGAIN.
FUCK!
She woke up at around two or so this morning running a 103 fever. So, I'm once again home from work, not getting shit done, listening to her ramble incessantly about all, and I mean ALL, things that peak her interest. Things only interest her for about, oh I don't know, two seconds, so she's talking alot.
I love her. I do. I absolutely adore her and her wit. Her charm. Her effervescent personality.
Now. Please. Shut. Up. Please. Please. Please. (I am currently on my knees begging for some silence. She is standing over me asking for explanations about why the planets are aligned this particular way. Not really, but it could be that as I have answered so many questions today that they all seem ridiculously hard to answer and it's not even freakin noon!)
ie
C: "Momma what's this?" Standing in bathroom, pointing to cotton balls.
Me: "Cottonballs, Chloe. Touch one...so soft."
C: "Like meatballs?"
Me: "Kind of yes, but cotton not meat."
C: "Cotton momma? Not meat momma?"
Me: "Yes Chlo, cotton."
C: "What's this?" Standing in b-room pointing to q-tips.
Me: "Q-tips Chlo."
C: "For your ears need cleaning out momma?"
Me: "Sometimes for ears, sometimes for other things. Now Chloe, I know I've told you this before but I must reiterate. Do not ever put these in your ears. OK?"
C: "OK, momma. I'll never do it."
And on and on it goes.
The neverending question game. I know those of you with toddlers out there know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and those of you with babies.....start working on your trivia and patience skills.

Random Tidings of Great and Not So Great Joy Part 1

In no partcular order:

1) My boogster boy being sick AS A DOG with a summertime flu thing.

2) Wondering if he will forever and ever smell like throw-up.

3) Speaking of throw-up....him puking on himself as soon as he gets OUT of the bath. (Which he did again tonight all over my bed and sheets!)

4) The biggest, most beautiful, toothless grins.

5) My daughter telling me, after my shower when I was nekkid, how beeauutifuuul I am nekkid with my biiiiig beeauutifuuul booty.

6) Finding that the wipe warmer needs to be wet and refilled AGAIN.

7) Not knowing how to take off the damn bold print!!!!! So the rest will be in bold....

8) Sleep...beautiful sleep (as soon as my sheets are dry and I make my bed.)

9) Hearing my little princess say "momma, I just love you so very very much."

10) "Momma, I want you to come see this."
Me: "What is it Chloe?"
C: "Just come look, I wanna show you sumtink"
Me:"Hold on, I'm coming"
So I follow the voice into the bathroom.
C: "Look at this huge huge poop, momma!"
Me: "Yes honey, that is rather large."

11) Watching my two lovies holding hands on the couch....makes my heart do something I never knew existed.

This is all I can think of right now. I should be sleeping and am actually very tired, but I get so little time for me that it's hard to make myself go to bed at night. It's quiet. No little person is trying to see how far she can shove herself into my ass before I flip out and say "Oh my goodness! Do you think you go sit somewhere for like 5 minutes!" And I make that grunty noise with my throat that she replicates so friggin well.
Oh and

12) Now knowing that having some training in the circus or a rodeo would have been handy in this mothering thing as it is almost like wrestling a greased pig to change a highly motivated to be crawling 5 month olds diaper. God help me, I've got the leg hold almost down pat.

*******************

Update on the husband issue:
He makes me crazy.
He is rude.
He has no compassion.
I think he hates me.

I figured out the bold. Yay for me!