Random Tidings of Great and Not So Great Joy Part 1

In no partcular order:

1) My boogster boy being sick AS A DOG with a summertime flu thing.

2) Wondering if he will forever and ever smell like throw-up.

3) Speaking of throw-up....him puking on himself as soon as he gets OUT of the bath. (Which he did again tonight all over my bed and sheets!)

4) The biggest, most beautiful, toothless grins.

5) My daughter telling me, after my shower when I was nekkid, how beeauutifuuul I am nekkid with my biiiiig beeauutifuuul booty.

6) Finding that the wipe warmer needs to be wet and refilled AGAIN.

7) Not knowing how to take off the damn bold print!!!!! So the rest will be in bold....

8) Sleep...beautiful sleep (as soon as my sheets are dry and I make my bed.)

9) Hearing my little princess say "momma, I just love you so very very much."

10) "Momma, I want you to come see this."
Me: "What is it Chloe?"
C: "Just come look, I wanna show you sumtink"
Me:"Hold on, I'm coming"
So I follow the voice into the bathroom.
C: "Look at this huge huge poop, momma!"
Me: "Yes honey, that is rather large."

11) Watching my two lovies holding hands on the couch....makes my heart do something I never knew existed.

This is all I can think of right now. I should be sleeping and am actually very tired, but I get so little time for me that it's hard to make myself go to bed at night. It's quiet. No little person is trying to see how far she can shove herself into my ass before I flip out and say "Oh my goodness! Do you think you go sit somewhere for like 5 minutes!" And I make that grunty noise with my throat that she replicates so friggin well.
Oh and

12) Now knowing that having some training in the circus or a rodeo would have been handy in this mothering thing as it is almost like wrestling a greased pig to change a highly motivated to be crawling 5 month olds diaper. God help me, I've got the leg hold almost down pat.

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Update on the husband issue:
He makes me crazy.
He is rude.
He has no compassion.
I think he hates me.

I figured out the bold. Yay for me!

Just Some Pictures of the Boo Boos

Setting it straight

Don't worry guys, I am going to continue tp post on this blog! This started off as a "mommy"blog and will continue to be so, I just got sidetracked with all of my marital issues and posted some stuff about that. I was only saying I was done ranting about my husband problems, so no worries Kevin!

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The baby is getting so big!It seems like he changes even during the short time he's at daycare. It makes me so sad to leave him everyday, I just know when I come back he's going to have grown or will be doing something new. His thing right now is, when he's on his belly for tummy time, he lifts himself up on his arms and toes like a little crab. Granted he's only throwing himself forward right now instead of using his arms and legs to crab walk, I know it's only a matter of time (maybe a few weeks) before he's crawling. He actually makes a lot of head way when on the floor. He scoots into different rooms and basically all over. While I do find it exciting, I'm sad that he soon will be mobile and once that happens they don't really feel like babies anymore. I really wanted him to stay a baby for a while. Chloe was so active, crawling and walking so early, that I had hoped he would be lazy and not too interested in getting around. Not my luck though, he's ready to go...he actually gets pissed off when we walk away and leave him on the floor. It's almost like he can't miss anything and gets mad that he can't get around. He looks at Chloe like, you asshole...I wanna get up and play too! It's quite humorous.

I love seeing the them interact. She is so maternal and it's the sweetest thing to watch. When he gets upset and starts crying, she gets his paci and will do it just like mommy does. She pops it in his mouth, holding it there until he takes it and will sit beside him rubbing his hand or head, sometimes hs belly, shshing him and saying "it's ok baby, hush now, it's ok...I love you Jack, hush now."It's so freaking sweet I could almost die. She likes feeding him bottles and holding him. I thought it would be hard for her to get accustomed to a new baby, but besides a few behavioral issues in the beginning, it's been very easy. She's taking to being a big sister so well. I'm sad to see him grow so quickly but at the same time, I can't wait until he's old enough for them to actually "play"together. I know he's probably going to drive her absolutely crazy, but it will be so cool to see the dynamics of their relationship. I'm really happy I had them so close together, I think it will make a HUGE difference in the years to come. I only hope that they become good friends and battle for each other. I guess only time will tell.

I'll be posting new pictures soon!

Enough Already

ARG!!!!! Enough already! Enough of the depressed, crazy husband induced, drama, bullshit, full of self-pity, ridiculous and did I mention bullshit? posts. I'm. So. Fucking. Done. Done. Done. Done.
He's crazy, it ain't (and yes. I did say AIN'T) gonna change. Whatever dude. Be fucking crazy on your own time, not mine. Hasta la fucking vista baby. Peace. I'm out.

PS. Saying this made me smile.

I had the strangest dream last night....

Let me preface this post by saying that I have always been a believer in dreams meaning something. In that little voice inside your head that says "no, you probably shouldn't do that!" although I usually do it anyways and end up paying the price for it. I believe in Astrology and the moons phases affecting our moods and life choices, that our subconcious knows more than we do and if we were only stop long enough to listen we would make better choices. That you can find meaning in anything and everything that happens to you.
All of life is learning.

My dream was about my husband although in the beginning of the dream I wasn't aware it was him, only as it progressed did I realize who it was.

I'm in a large two story house sitting on the edge of a cliff with winding staircases, lots of wood. Wood walls, floors, furniture. It was dark...not like all of the lights were off, but misty or gloomy.
(We, as you know from my last few posts, have been having some major problems and he has shown some tendencies for violence.) I was there with two girlfriends and my daughter is asleep upstairs. I don't know who these two girls are, only that in my dream they are very close friends. My husband starts going off the deep end yelling at me and threatening us. I urge the girls to go downstairs and leave, they won't leave me with him because they are afraid for me, for my life. He at one point gets a gun and starts threatening to shoot us. Has the gun trained on us as we try to make our way up the get Chloe. He speaks incoherently, pacing back and forth with the gun pointed at us. I am begging for our lives and the life of my child. Trying to talk some sense into him, trying to make sense of what is going on myself. The feeling of helplessness was so strong in my dream that thinking about it now, I can taste it. He said "I'll let you go on one condition, your girlsfriends have to have sex with me." They look at me as if to say "I will as long as it saves our lives" and one of them goes to the couch and takes off her clothes, just her pants and takes his off as well. She climbs on him and starts grinding. I remember feeling disgusted watching this and sad even that in this situation he wants sex to make it better. She is grinding on him and he looks bored and pushes her off. "She's not doing it right, only you know how to do it right."and he starts pouting like a baby. He moves over to one side of the couch and asks me to come to him, he says something like "foot shaking and palms sweaty", just like that in a whiny baby voice. This is an important part of the dream. It signifies to me his desire to be taken care of like a child and reverting to childlike behavior is his way of getting it????
I suddenly see my mom climbing up the face of the cliff to help us and when she gets inside I motion for her to go get Chloe from upstairs. Baye sees her and starts up after her. I don't know what happens up there but my mom comes down with Chloe and Baye is behind her holding the gun to her and the living room is suddenly full of people. He can't shoot us all so he eventually gives up.
The dream wasn't finished but my son woke up and needed to be fed so....I'm curious as to what would have happened.
I can't possibly convey to you the emotions in this dream and the feeling of Oh My God when I woke up. The feeling that this relationship could very possibly turn to violence like that. That maybe this was a warning to me to get out while I can. In reflection of it, I'm still scared.

The Boogernauts

He's ready to go....too bad I'm not.

My Little Flapper Girl

She loves playing dress-up!

10 Hard Days 10 Hard Nights

My daughter has finally come home and I FINALLY have a chance to stop and catch my breath!
She left me Wednesday June 28th (actually Tuesday night around 10pm) to go on vacation with her daddy for 10 days. Wannna talk about hard? Sheesh.....Letting her go was so difficult even though he has as much right to parent her and spend time with her as I do and honestly it was very heartwarming for me to finally hear him say that he wants her. Loading up her bags and watching her take his hand to walk away, I had to keep reminding myself that this is what I've been fighting for, for 3 years. A very bittersweet moment for me. I've wanted him to be a dad for so long that seeing her finally get it is a shock to my emotional senses.So many shocks lately it's amazing I'm still existing. Good for her though and good for him.
I really meant to say a lot here tonight but can't muster up the energy to do much but suck at my glass of wine and listen to the fountain...maybe later I can divulge more heartfelt writings.
Goodnight and Becca...I know you'll be reading this soon...I love you.

This is so confusing!

How can someone, in the same sentence, be apologizing, asking me to come back and be blaming me for everything that went wrong? Does this make any sense?
I recieved a phone call at 10:30 last night from my husband. His new ploy is to use the kids well being to make me come back. The conversation started off like this:
"We need to make this work for the kids, Summer. They are ALL that matter in this. Whatever we have going on isn't important, the only important thing is making this work for their sake."
"Um....what"
"I just had a 2 1/2 hr talk with Michelle (a friend of mine) and I have come to the realization that we need to focus on making this work for the kids. Their happiness should be the only thing we strive for"
"Um.....what?"
"We will make this work, Summer. We shouldn't do this to our babies. How will this affect them?"
"Well I don't remember you thinking about the kids when you kicked us out, screaming at the top of your voice for us to leave you the fuck alone you worthless fucking cunt and etc..."
"I made a mistake, but you should have been more understanding of what I'm going through right now."
"What you're going through? I just had a baby 4 months ago, I'm working an almost full-time job trying to balance taking care of the majority of their needs because you typically are too busy for them, keeping a household running and working a demanding, stressful job. " I work in real estate."What exactly are you going through that is soooo difficult? That would warrant the kind of behavior you demonstrated? "
"I don't want to fight anymore, Summer."
"Me neither, I'm sick of this, but that doesn't mean I'm running back to you full of forgiveness. I'm tired of being the emotional battering ram. I don't really understand where you're coming from and I don't really agree with/believe your new found concern with our children. "
"Well you just think about what I said. I love you, goodnight."

WHAT????????? ARGH!!!!!!!

The Tearing Begins

I have been hopelessly floundering about in indecision. This has been probably THE most difficult decision I've ever made. A relief and at the same time, a choice filled with many regrets and sad thoughts. When you stand at the alter before God, your family and your friends to say I do to forever, you actually do think it will last a lifetime. No matter what that lifetime may bring to you. I know I did. I looked at my soon to be husband and thought, this is the man I will wake up next to for the rest of my life. Was I naive? Blind? Confused? Or just in love with this man and hopelessly wanting to be with just him forever and thinking he wanted the same. What a shock to realize he loves me not at all the way I thought he did. Doesn't even respect me. A little. Since our seperation, due to him pitching a fit and throwing me out, he has proceeded to stack more and more blame on my shoulders. I'm not there for him and he feels let down, disappointed that I have chosen to stay away and not be there to support him in his "time of need". What? Even with this, and many other things I don't have the emotional strength to write about, I have been having some reservations about not going back. My children are the biggest cause of my concern and I want to do what's best for them. What is best for them? I think it's growing up in a household full of love and acceptance, not anger and frustration at the world and life in general. Especially not a household where they have to hear daddy call mommy a cunt or other such degrading and disrespectful names. I am none of these things. I am a strong woman with a backbone and a heart that only wants to love everyone around me. I'm a good mother, daughter, friend, and I thought up until last Thursday, a good wife. I guess I can't be everything.
I suppose I'm sad for the seperation of our lives. For knowing he will never hold me again. For realizing I will never look at him in the same way, the same light and that my love for him has been irreversibly changed. That my kids will be shipped off for Christmas and visitation to TWO seperate fathers. It was hard enough when it was just one. Now my baby has to go too. My heart weeps for this loss. A loss I know all too well they will also feel as they grow older. It's a sad day when love fails and hearts break. I will be whole again someday....just not today and maybe not for a long time. I just need to keep reminding myself that the day will come when this will be behind me and I can look forward to happiness and a clear day.
Too many messes are swept under rugs. We need to air out those dirty, dusty rooms and clean our lives of all of these messes. They will come back to haunt you at some point in your life when you least expect it.

Disturbed and Disoriented

I haven't been able to post in a few days as I have been dealing with some traumatic events. I feel today that I may have been living my life in a little bubble, completely unaware of what was going on around me and ultimately to me. To explain this: My anniversary was last Monday, June 26th. We had been married for two yrs. and during the course of this marriage we encountered plenty of serious and possibly irreparable problems. We seperated twice during this time, once being while I was pregnant with our son. This last seperation, I really thought it was over but REALLY wanted to work things out as we had a baby on the way. I wanted to give him the chance to be with his father and give his father a chance to redeem himself and make some changes. I hoped that with this new baby positive changes would happen and he would decide to "grow up" and take responsibility for his family. We worked so hard at making this happen, making this marriage work. We compromised and spent hours daily talking about how we could do things differently with one another to make things flow more smoothly. How we could try harder, be more understanding of each other's faults and make a lifetime of this. Everything was beautiful for a while but just like always before, he slowly started slipping back into that old and familiar pattern. I guess some ruts are just too deep to stay out of for long. I recognized his behavior for what it was and immediately started working on things to make it more bearable. I became a person I didn't want to be. Apologizing for things that didn't matter just because I wanted to avoid argueing at all cost. I stopped expressing my opinion on things because he was always right and the fight wasn't worth it to me. I was willing to do whatever it took to give my babies a family with mommy and daddy both there. I lost myself in practicing this. I became insecure, a woman with slightly hunched shoulders and the inability to feel free. I have always been the emodiment of a free spirit. This wasn't me, yet I trudged along hoping beyond hope that things would change. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. We definitely had wonderful times and I know he loves me. I just think that he doesn't have the capacity to truly love and give to anyone. BUT I THOUGHT ALL WAS GOING OKAY until this past Thursday night. He came home from in a foul mood not really wanting to do much or say much. Fine, I could handle this. I took care of the baby, bathing him, feeding him and puttin him to bed. My husband didn't even want to hold him for me for five minuted while I tried to do other things. He just kept making snide remarks about there being no dinner on the table. "Well, I guess I'll just have to eat potato chips or something since you didn't cook." Yeah honey, FUCK YOU too. Anywho...I got the baby fed and down for the night, I thought he was asleep and went outside to talk to my father-in-law. I was out for maybe half an hour when my truck alarm started going off and I had to go in to get my key fob to turn it off. I asked my hubby if he had heard it and he informed me that he had turned it on and I needed to go take care of the f-in kid and make him be quiet. What????? There wa some dialogue about him also being his parent and he simply turned the tv louder to keep from hearing me. I, of course snatched the remote turned off the tube and tried to get him to talk to me. He started screaming obscenitied at me, telling me to get out of HIS house. Called me a worthless f-in c--- over and over again. I was here clueless as to what would incite this kind of reaction. He was acting like and certainly looked like a man over the edge of reason. I was scared shitless. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted me gone, that he was finished with me. That I was worth nothing more to him, he wants a divorce and Summer, hunker down for a nasty custody battle, I'm taking Jack away from you. Neddless to say, I was in shock. I really still am. I can't imagine what would make a person talk to someone he supposeedly loves like that. His dad heard the yelling (from him not me, I was calmly trying to get some info from him and diffuse the situation.) and came inside and Baye started attacking his OWN father! Screaming at him to get fuck out and fuck you, I hate you and etc. What bullshit, his poor dad and dammit....poor me. So I left. Packed some clothes for Jack and I and left.
I decided yesterday that Isimply can't do this anymore and I am filing for divorce this coming up week. Shitty shitty shitty but I should have seen this coming.
The bubble has popped.